One Step Forward . . .

I’ve put this off as long as humanly possible, and it’s still really scary to think about, but . . .

I think it’s time to go back to therapy.

I don’t want to.  It feels like defeat.  I want to be in a place where I can handle things on my own.  But I have to admit to myself that the tell-tale signs are there, and I need some help dealing with some of the questions I’m asking myself right now.

I’m not sleeping well.  I’ve been getting about five hours a night, but last night I had one of those restless, insomniac nights reminiscent of the period right before everything went to hell in a hand basket in college.  I eventually got up, read some fluff fiction and had a glass of wine to help me relax, but that’s not exactly a reasonable long term strategy.  I’m in graduate school.  I’m busy, and my schedule is only going to get stretched thinner as the semester winds down.  I need to be able to sleep!

Additionally, I’m getting that itchy, strained feeling that I associate with the impulse to self-injure.  I struggled with self-injury off and on throughout college, but I’ve been completely free of both the habit and the impulse for almost two years.  The last couple of weeks, however, I find myself wishing that I hadn’t thrown away that box of razor blades when I moved.  This tells me that something is wrong.

I know what the issues I need to work out are.  I know why they are problematic, and I know that I’m probably not going to be able to work them out gracefully on my own.  I know where the counseling center on campus is and how to go about procuring an appointment.

I just have to pick up the phone.

Asking for help is hard.  I’m not good at it.  Asking for help requires vulnerability, and I tend to envision myself as a strong, self-sufficient woman.  I don’t need a man . . . nor anybody else.  I can do this on my own, thank you very much.

But lately, I’ve been increasingly aware of how important community is.  I want to be in relationship with others.  I want to have friendships and mentorships and people I can trust and rely on.  I want to be part of a church family that knows me and loves me, warts and all, and will support me and help me and challenge me and cheer me on.  I want to be able to give back to that community in some way, to be a valued and valuable member.

I’ve been in a lot of bad relationships, both inside and outside the church, and I know that going back to therapy is part of fixing that.  I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, to relate to myself well, in order to really be comfortable in relationship with others.

So this week, I’m making the call.

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