I’ve put this off as long as humanly possible, and it’s still really scary to think about, but . . .
I think it’s time to go back to therapy.
I don’t want to. It feels like defeat. I want to be in a place where I can handle things on my own. But I have to admit to myself that the tell-tale signs are there, and I need some help dealing with some of the questions I’m asking myself right now.
I’m not sleeping well. I’ve been getting about five hours a night, but last night I had one of those restless, insomniac nights reminiscent of the period right before everything went to hell in a hand basket in college. I eventually got up, read some fluff fiction and had a glass of wine to help me relax, but that’s not exactly a reasonable long term strategy. I’m in graduate school. I’m busy, and my schedule is only going to get stretched thinner as the semester winds down. I need to be able to sleep!
Additionally, I’m getting that itchy, strained feeling that I associate with the impulse to self-injure. I struggled with self-injury off and on throughout college, but I’ve been completely free of both the habit and the impulse for almost two years. The last couple of weeks, however, I find myself wishing that I hadn’t thrown away that box of razor blades when I moved. This tells me that something is wrong.
I know what the issues I need to work out are. I know why they are problematic, and I know that I’m probably not going to be able to work them out gracefully on my own. I know where the counseling center on campus is and how to go about procuring an appointment.
I just have to pick up the phone.
Asking for help is hard. I’m not good at it. Asking for help requires vulnerability, and I tend to envision myself as a strong, self-sufficient woman. I don’t need a man . . . nor anybody else. I can do this on my own, thank you very much.
But lately, I’ve been increasingly aware of how important community is. I want to be in relationship with others. I want to have friendships and mentorships and people I can trust and rely on. I want to be part of a church family that knows me and loves me, warts and all, and will support me and help me and challenge me and cheer me on. I want to be able to give back to that community in some way, to be a valued and valuable member.
I’ve been in a lot of bad relationships, both inside and outside the church, and I know that going back to therapy is part of fixing that. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself, to relate to myself well, in order to really be comfortable in relationship with others.
So this week, I’m making the call.