I haven’t posted in ages. I was sick most of last week between a badly timed bout of PMS and something that seemed to start out as a sinus infection and ended up as a bad cold. I feel like I just can’t get traction this semester. I feel like everything is moving too fast, and there’s no possible way to keep up. I’m starting to feel the pressure of what-are-you-going-to-do-next, and sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m doing now.
When I was 8 years old, I felt God’s call to missions. Over the years, I’ve wrestled with the details of that calling, as it led me towards Africa, then towards a specific country, towards teaching, then medicine, then finally public health. And on one hand, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. But another part of me is terrified that I’m not going to be in the right place to take the next step, and yet another part wonders what, exactly my “call to missions” will look like in action since I’m fairly certain I’m not interested in doing traditional missions or working with a heavily faith-influenced organization.
And then there’s so much else going on in my life right now. I don’t have time to worry about the next step, because I’m trying to figure out how to keep from relapsing into depression and how to live like a normal person after 3 years of panic attacks and meds. I’m trying to figure out who I am after all of that. I’m trying to figure out what I actually believe about God and how that impacts my every-day life. I’m trying to figure out if I’m going to be alone forever and how I feel about that, particularly since I can’t count on my family for support.
I’m trying to grow up. It’s more complicated than it looks.
Life doesn’t stop so I can deal with things. I’m honestly not sure I would get anything done if it did. But somehow, I have to believe that God will offer me time to work out what’s important and grace for what’s not. Somehow I have to believe that the part of me that wants stability and companionship isn’t somehow entirely outside of God’s will.
Maybe that’s my challenge for Lent. Maybe it’s in this time of preparation that I need to begin to make space in my life for questions, not by allowing them to overwhelm me, but by putting boundaries around them. Maybe I can fast from doubting and enjoy my life. Maybe I can fast from worrying and focus on the present.
I’ve always been afraid of missing God’s “best” for me. I think it’s a common concern for kids raised in evangelical churches. But I’m beginning to realize that God’s best isn’t just in the broader arc of my life. It’s in the smaller spaces, too. God wants his best for me every single day.