I’ve been very much in a post-holiday funk the past few days.
As nice as it is to see everyone, visiting home is also hard. It’s a long drive and a change of routine. My parents and I are still trying to figure out how to relate to each other as adults, and we’re not always graceful about it. There are a lot of things that we don’t see eye to eye on, and minding my P’s and Q’s so we can all have a nice holiday gets tiring pretty fast.
So Monday, it was hard to get out of bed. I managed a walk, but I never got off the couch afterwards. Tuesday, I showered, but I never managed to leave my apartment. I spent most of the day on the couch again.
Three years ago, I couldn’t leave my apartment at all without having a panic attack. My life was falling apart. I was failing school. I couldn’t function. Things have gotten so much better since then, but every time I retreat into “Turtle Mode,” I worry that I’m headed back to that place. I’m afraid I’m going to spend the rest of my life hyperventilating in my entryway, trying to get to the grocery store. It’s something I despise about myself.
So last night, I resolved that today was going to be better. Today, I was going to act like a normal human being. Today was the day. Then this morning, while reading one of my favorite blogs, I found this:
And, suddenly, I realized that I don’t have to make today perfect. It’s okay to have grace for myself. It’s okay to measure progress in inches instead of feet. I don’t have to clean my apartment top to bottom, unpack my bags, and go to the grocery store for it to be a good day. I just have to do something more than I did yesterday and trust that tomorrow will be even better.
So today, I showered and put on real clothes. I did my hair. I went to work and to the grocery store. I texted a friend to see if she wanted to get ice cream tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I’ll clean my kitchen. Maybe I’ll do some laundry. Maybe I’ll pull out my guitar.
It doesn’t matter what I do as long as I do something. Because every day I grow stronger and braver. Because tomorrow, I’ll be able to face something I couldn’t face today.
***The link above is to the post I found the quote in. Mama:Monk is a great blog, and a lot of what the author says really resonates with me. Check it out!